December 2010
97 posts
BACK AT THE WATERCOOLER
Me: Hey, are you still sick?
Co-Worker: Yeah, I can't seem to get rid of it.
Me: What's still bothering you?
Co-Worker: My throat - it hurts to swallow.
Not So Skinny Co-Worker: That's what she said! (Pointing to me and laughing like crazy)
Co-Worker: Oh, it's like that?
Me: Yuck! (Mad-dogging the not-so-skinny co-worker who gave me a girdler referral)
Co-Worker: Wow, I didn't know you were into that? So you like to give mouth hugs?
"MOUTH HUGS"????? OMG!!!! That's the first time I have ever heard of that sick term. But more importantly, isn't it nice the types of conversations that occur at my office watercooler. 2011 Resolution = GET A NEW JOB!!
GLAD TO REPORT. . .
Middle Syndrome Sister and Ricky Bobby have just received their certified passports in hand and as luck may have it, have even got enough time to get through rainy weather traffic and security since their airplane just got delayed.
It’s a great day for her, but an even better day for me because now for sure, she won’t manage to ruin my New Years, like she did last year. THAT’S A...
PRICELESS . . .
Round Trip Airfare to Yucatan Peninsula: $588.00
Passport Renewal Fee: $60.00
Finding out that your passport expired in November when you are set to board a flight at 12 pm today: PRICELESS!
Middle Child Syndrome Sister and Ricky Bobby may be facing their marriage's ultimate test today.
THE ORIENTATION . . .
You know when you go to the restrooms at Target and behind the door is a log of each time an employee came to clean up the bathroom. These are called sweep sheets. Do not put it past my sister to devise her own so-called log which Cruela DeVille will be need to diligently record her each and every move within my sister’s apartment, including and definitely not limited to the care of this...
NEVER FAILS . . .
My Middle Child Syndrome sister has no time management whatsoever so that means, musaka at 7pm, pork chops at 7:15pm and roasted potatoes rolling out at around at 8:30pm. This time she got careless with the pork chops and the guests were left to suffer.
How can anyone enjoy themselves at dinner when they are either fanning the flames or searing their pupils from the smoke. Poor Cruela DeVille...
DINNER WITH THE FAMILY . . .
Got invited to my sister’s condo for dinner tonight. At least, that’s what I thought - as usual, I am was given the 2 hours in advance time, specifically so I can help with making dinner and cleaning up after dinner.
AWKWARD . . .
Middle Child Syndrome Sister: She just seems so unhappy. (Her comment about the corpse bride my cousin apparently married as we are watching their wedding video)
Me: It's like watching a funeral.
Middle Child Syndrome Sister: Why did he marry her?
Cruela DeVille: Maybe it was a shotgun wedding. Is she pregnant?
Me: That's not gonna last.
Middle Child Syndrome Sister: Well, I heard there's a huge age gap, something like ten years.
Me: Gross, that's so sick.
Cruela DeVille: That's the same as me and my boyfriend. (As boyfriend stares at me with murder in his eyes)
“11/11/2011.”
– Cruela DeVille casually dropping into conversation her upcoming wedding date. The better moment was watching her man react with equal surprise as my mother.
AWKWARD MOMENTS WITH THE BROTHER-IN-LAW
Me: So where's your girl?
Let Down Brother-In-Law: What do you mean?
Me: Why isn't she here for Christmas?
Let Down Brother-In-Law: Oh, we broke up in October.
Me: Oh really, sorry to hear (pretending like I didn't already know that)
Let Down Brother-In-Law: Yeah, I think she was cheating on me.
Me: Really? Why would you think that?
Let Down Brother-In-Law: I got a hold of her cell phone - it was pretty obvious.
Me: So she pretty much moved on to bigger and better?
Let Down Brother-In-Law: What? (Obviously catching my insult)
Me: What? (Obviously not realizing my insult)
Let Down Brother-In-Law: Why don't you just stab me with a knife while you're at it?
Me: Oh . . . sorry . . . I meant . . . I mean . . . I guess . . . bigger and better?
I guess I forgot to activate my sensitivity chip - my bad!
CHRISTMAS ON THE OTHER SIDE . . .
Then we headed over to celebrate Christmas with my husband’s side of the family. Needless to say, we will keep the posts to a minimum, since the majority of the time I had to endure conversations with his 30 year old deadbeat brother about not looking for girls at the local Hollister store, loathing about their four hour Magic game and watching the kids “play together”.
KILL...
IN THIS CORNER . . .
I’m not really sure how this happened, but suddenly my dessert and that of my Middle Child Syndrome Sister were pitted against each other for Best Christmas Dessert. Feeling the pressure and with no cake stand to hide behind, my sister obviously got a little nervous and started trying to make her pound cake at least aesthetically pleasing.
SABOTAGE: This was pretty much in the bag for me,...
FOOLED AGAIN . . .
Each year, there are specific family members that persist to give us the most awkward gifts, like Halloween themed china, amongst others. The worst part is that they box these gifts in the most deceiving packaging. This year, the Victoria’s Secret and Lasko boxes actually gave us high hopes.
We really should have known better.
THE CRISIS . . .
It just isn’t the holidays without some kind of nonsense drama and Cruela DeVille did not disappoint. When she couldn’t find her freakin’ Invisiline braces, it turned into a full out family mission as everyone was hovering over the trash cans to look for her braces.
If you don’t know my sister, she rarely find anything funny especially the idea that her thousand dollar...
“I don’t think grandma likes my new beard. She said she was going to stick...”
FUNNY . . .
I recall getting a lecture about being on time, but when my middle child syndrome sister walks in … LATE … WITH RAW UNCOOKED FOOD … AND HOLDING UP DINNER … Well, that’s plain adorable.
Here’s a glimpse at the chaos that ensued as everyone had to rush to her aid. The mission: Potatoes au Gratin in half an hour. Poor husband is trying to grate some gruyere...
THE ARRIVAL . . .
I was under the impression that I arrived on time, but my mom was quick to grab me by my underarm flab, rush me into the kitchen and yell at me for making everyone wait in hunger. This is my mom racing out in determination with my Little Smokies.
I tried to take pictures but as you can see, even my camera can’t quite capture how rushed everyone was. Good God, people hadn’t even been...
KARMA?
Me: Did you get something for my aunt?
Middle Sister: No, I am out of time and I am so backed up right now!! (HOLLERING)
Me: Calm down - what the problem? This morning everything was fine, what happened?
Middle Sister: I can't find strawberries and I have been to three markets already!
Me: Maybe that's because strawberries are out of season.
Middle Sister: And then the cake stand I bought for mom totally broke?
Me: Wait, you broke the cake stand. The cake stand that's for YOUR dessert?
Middle Sister: Yes and I went to Macy's and their sold out!
Me: ***LAUGHING***
Middle Sister: F@#$ YOU! (HUNG UP ON ME)
What a fabulous Christmas Eve this is shaping up to be ladies and gentlemen.
ROUND TWO: CHEESECAKE
I’m not going to lie: I got a little ambitious trying to take on cheesecake for tonight’s dessert, but I had chosen to go with cheesecake when I thought my husband was going to be the one making it. Unfortunately, he’s working right now and working in a kitchen is not the type of job where you can have your wife blowing you up with hourly breakdowns. In other words, I am on my...
FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES
Me: Son, if you have nothing nice to say . . .
Son: uh . . . hmm . . . tell a family member?
It's not the answer I was looking for but you have to admit, it was a GOOD ANSWER! What can I say, my son is already learning the fine art of trash talking.
THE MIDDLE CHILD STRIKES AGAIN . . .
Sister: I just wanted to let you know that I bought mom a cake stand for Christmas.
Me: Why?
Sister: I bought it so she can put my dessert on the stand for Christmas.
Me: So the cake stand is really for you and not for mom?
Sister: Well, I am making ricotta orange pound cake and it needs good presentation.
Me: Ok, I am also making dessert - why can't I get a cake stand?
Sister: But your dessert is boring.
Me: You don't even know what I am making?
Sister: Mom already told me it's boring.
People, I am not really feeling the Christmas spirit right now - heck, how about a little familial tact at minimum.
IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR . . .
Or is it really? I just got home from work and from this point on - it’s gonna be chaos until Saturday night when I can finally get in bed and have one day of quiet before I have to start contemplating how to burn off all the calories from the food I inhaled and figure out how I am going to accomplish failed dreams and promises in the coming year.
But for the next 48 hours, the goal is to...
IRONY?
So last night and this morning, the power in the neighborhood was randomly going on and off. And as luck may have it, at 4am the power was still not cooperating - coming on and off at will. Luckily, I had been able to take a shower last night. Unlucky for me, I was not able to tame down my previously showered hair this morning. As a result, I had to go to work not knowing what I looked like,...
TYPICAL . . .
Me: You guys need to make sure you put the toilet seat down when you are finished using the bathroom.
Son: Why?
Me: Because I almost fell in the toilet because the seat wasn't down.
Son: Oh . . . don't worry mom, you won't fall in, you are way too big to fall in.
Well, there must be a theme to this day. In one form or another, I better make my New Year's Resolution to lose some weight!
“Hey, I was at Ross yesterday and they had these girdles that were totally on...”
– WOW, WOW, WOW … is my jiggle really that obvious that co-workers have to keep a look out for girdle markdowns on my behalf. More importantly, aren’t comments like these reserved solely for mothers or at least, passive-agressive mother-in-laws. But the best part was trying to hold back my...
THE GOLDEN CHILD . . .
Mom: We need to really get it together on planning our family trip to Colombia next year.
Me: Ok, I am doing the best I can. I just checked out the flight pricing and wanted to verify when the kids are back in school and clear it with my work and husband. What's the rush? Ricky Bobby doesn't even know if he can make it with his school schedule.
Mom: The kids? What about the kids? I thought your kids were out.
Me: Mom, why would I go without the kids?
Mom: You're going?
Me: My bad, I though this was a family trip or am I not a member of this family?
Mom: Did you say Ricky Bobby wasn't sure?
Me: Well, he's a teacher - you know his schedule coincides with my kids who are students.
Mom: You know, you need to stop pressuring this trip and let Ricky Bobby figure out if he can make it or not.
I hear the Twilight Zone theme song playing in the background as I walk away from this conversation trying to figure out how I got excommunicated from this trip, that may or may not happen CONTINGENT ON WHETHER RICKY BOBBY CAN FIGURE IT OUT!!!
